Who would have thought after a few months spending time in Paris, getting acquainted in a new job, exploring a new world, and dealing with new struggles of change, I would have a reminder of the array of human experience, on the 2nd floor of a McDonald’s dining room, and on a Monday night, to boot?
This is what happened today. The past few days have been tough for me. While my first 3 months here have been great overall, recent events have left me a bit more stressed as some priorities have come to fore. First of all, while people are nice, I know my French is a bit behind and I’m feeling more pressure to catch up as I encounter more situations where I need it, and as my work nudges me to learn a bit more to fit in more. As I have been here a while, and at a certain point, I know it could be annoying to translate or catch me up during conversations that happen naturally in French.
I’m dealing with immigration processes, and also trying to perform my best in my new job. I’ve made it this far, so why would I even consider giving up now? I’m not someone who gives up, I always aspire to improve and succeed regardless of my circumstances – I’ve been through a lot, and even though times get hard, I know I can do it based on past experience.
Regardless, this is still all very new, and it’s hard to remember all the positives every time things stack up to a certain degree. I end up in a crisis again, which is inevitable when you have anxiety and certain things mount up over time. To further explain – In addition, I’ve been preparing for a big presentation and have been procrastinating a bit, so it’s now 2 days before and I’m just starting to make my updates tojight. But I have a reason, because beyond that, my last few days I’ve also needed to recover from a dental extraction I’ve been putting off for 3 years and finally got done on Friday, after moving to a new country.
With that in mind, I feel justified, however, the deadline is there and so it looms on my mind regardless, the clock ticking closer and closer as I try to muster the strength and motivation to just get started.
It isn’t easy to take on a mentally challenging task such l as a presentation though when you haven’t had enough proper nutrition, and that’s what I’d been struggling with as well. For me, I can’t focus unless I get enough protein each day, and even after eating almost every kind of category of food I can find each day, at the end of the day, with night growing close, and after eating my last can of sardines, I realize it was still not enough…
So at 10pm, after a nice and needed shower, I set out to my nearby McDonald’s to grab some “real food” – some final protein to tap out my hunger – and a good excuse to get out and get my mind off of things for a moment, as well.
Eating on one side of my mouth and being extra careful the past 3 days had been tough. And of course I ended up eating bigger food anyways, balanced with soups. But this would be the first meal outside the house – and my first time leaving since Friday too. I know I needed the exercise, and the human interaction, too. On thé verge of another crisis where I again question my direction in life and whether I’m still on the right path, I end up finding a resolution in my mind. But I know that some proper food and some fresh air will really help me at this point. So I head out, finally…
Who knew that in my time of stress and my lack of feeling, I would find a renewal of hope and find my feeling again, on the same night…
I grab my jacket, and my 2nd jacket (it’s cold here in winter, in France!) and head down the street, a few blocks south from where I reside.
On the way, it is quiet, I realize that most people are probably not keen to be on the street late at night on a Monday. And the shops are all closed at this hour too. Regardless, I see a few souls, some not paying attention, me glad they did not. Some who pass me by, me a bit suspicious but then none the same.
And one or two that give me an odd look, only to see my reaction, and perhaps change their look to a bit of guilt, perhaps rethinking their immediate suspicion at a lone guy walking past them on a sparse street at nught…
I feel better upon seeing they may be rethinking, but I know this could all be in my head too. Do I think too much? Why am I so worried about every rection, especially from strangers I will never see again?
Anyways, I still did not feel happy, and knew it as I walked down the street. But in fact, I realized I still did not feel much of anything. This must be what they mean when they say “I feel dead inside.”
I finally make it to McDonald’s, the bright yellow M greeting me with its bright neon light, a beacon of warmth and respite on an otherwise dark road.
I walk in, take a while to decide exactly what I want (today I want healthy, but also add some coffee with milk – I know I’ll need it for what could be a longer night). After some contemplation, I finish. ordering my food on the touchscreen, and wait for my name to be called. Thankfully I’ve learned enough french by now to at least know the number they’re calling, I think…
I finally retrieve my food, and head upstairs to the bot huge, but somewhat spacious dining room up straits, and take my seat, being carefully to choose one facing away from the teens at the middle table, and a single seat, so as to not impede on larger groups who may want a table later on.
I gather my food, and begin eating. I’m already more at ease…
What follows is the highlight of my night, probably of my weekend, and though it may not sound like the best outcome at first, I realize it is exactly what I needed, and a nice reminder of the rest of the human experience that you can forget when so focused on the first priorities of daily life.
It’s Valentine’s Day, so I thought I would share a moment of human connection, that, while maybe not the best immediate outcime, ended up awakening my soul regardless 💙
So I’m sitting here at this nice dining room on the 2nd floor of McD’s here in France. This cute lady, probably in her 30’s, is sitting at a table in the corner of the room, across from a man appearing to be her bf or husband.
I’ve been noticing them during my meal, don’t pay much attention, until later on toward the end of my meal, I stop to take a sip of my coffee with cream – I jump straight into it, without putting in any sugar or mixing.
Suddenly, the woman across stares at me longingly for a couple of seconds, but which feels like days…. Which at once makes me forget everything else going on in my life, as well as induces those butterflies I feel like I haven’t felt in quite some time butterfly 🦋
This catches me off guard, and at the same time, I find it odd because she is there with her husband. However, I know firsthand that not everyone is fully satisfied in every relationship, and regardless, it’s human nature to long for more, no matter our current situation.
Anyway, I look back subsequently, opening up my heart in vulnerability, if for but one moment… Our eyes lock, and I feel the connection has been made. Even in that short nonverbal exchange, I can’t help feeling something special has occurred.
I look away, and am left alone with my thoughts for the next few moments, and continue sipping my coffee. Shortly thereafter, the couple collects their belongings and gets up to leave. As they are leaving, I look down so as to not appear too interested, but catch a final glance before she passes by. As she is passing by, she appears to be irritated. Or perhaps she is giving a dirty look?
What made me feel warm and fuzzy for that moment has now made me stressed out, as I don’t know why she is angry suddenly. Has my feigned lack of interest backfired? Or perhaps she is irritated that this connection may never be, in reality.
In the moment, I tell myself that this also could just be a mechanism from the other party to counteract their own moment of weakness before, in order to make me think that it was not so easy. In order to make me confused, perhaps.
Well, if this was the case, it worked.
I understand the reaction, if this is the case. However, what passersby never seem to imagine is that as a highly sensitive person, I can get very stressed by even things such as a dirty look and it can take me several minutes, sometimes hours, for me to get over it. Such is the heart of Noah.
But alas, they are likely gone and forgot this whole event happened already while I am here still stressed out and thinking about it.
But to end, once I’ve sorted through my feelings and reflected on the outcome, I end up cherishing this moment, even if fleeting, because the bottom line is, someone showed interest in me today, and this experience was most welcome in reminding me what the human experience is all about – and that connection is just as important as food, rest, and even fun 💯
Noah Sanchez 